A moment...

Where the hell have I been?  To be honest, slacking (at least on the blog front).  These days I'm lucky to find 10 consecutive minutes on the computer to do anything unless it's paying bills or doing schooling.

Today is Remembrance Day, a holiday to most, but more importantly a day of reflection.

With young children, it's hard to explain the significance of today.  When I told my 4 year old that it's a day to remember the soldiers that have gone to battle for Canada, he asks me if they're the same soldiers as his bucket of soldiers from Toy Story 3.  It's still kinda lost on them so onto plan B.  Today, for the first time since having children, we will be heading to a Remembrance Day ceremony and all though my kids still won't get it entirely they will be there, going through the motions so that this day doesn't just become another day off or worse, a "holiday" as they grow up.

It's not asking much to pause for a moment and reflect at 11:11 this morning.  Are we all really so busy that we can't do that?  I mean, we've spent more time in a single trip to the bathroom.  Look around at everything and everyone that you value most in your life, imagine if it were all gone.  Many of these things/people may not have come to be without the sacrifices that others made on our behalves, so really, a moment or two of your time is NOT a sacrifice on your part.

I honestly had a completely different plan for this morning's blog but will save it for later on in the day.  I urge you to take that moment of silence this morning and if it all possible, take it with your kids and teach them the importance of this day.  It's not just the school's responsibility!  Maybe if more parents spent the time teaching their kids how lucky they TRULY are, and to be grateful, then maybe we wouldn't be raising a society of generally rude, self-entitled kids.

If you need a face to make this real, here's a face: Master Corporal Erin Doyle, died August 11, 2008 in an insurgent attack in Afghanistan.  From my hometown and a close friend of my father's.

Sacred Saturdays

I love Saturday mornings.  Saturdays are my sacred day, they are the day where my kids get up early and I wake up to hearing them play.  It's not a family day completely because my husband is usually working but I'm grateful because it allows me to have time alone with these amazing little people.

Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and I get to spend every morning with them but those mornings are filled with rushing around to get breakfast made, get myself dressed before dayhome kids arrive and rush off to get kids to school and myself to the gym.

Saturday mornings are special, there is no schedule unless we make one, there's no pressure to get out of pyjamas by 7:30 or out the door by 8:15, the only thing planned is to make breakfast.

Today's a particularly awesome Saturday and it's only 7:46 am.  My boys had a sleepover in the basement last night, they got up, turned on their TV and started playing, they let me sleep in until 7 and it was great!  I was woken up my cold little hands & feet snuggling up next to me under the covers and saying "I love you Mommy" followed by cute little cold nosed kisses on the cheeks.  After enjoying their kisses & snuggles, we got up and I was asked to play race cars.  Seriously after buttering me up like that, how could I possibly say no.  We played race cars (which apparently I was doing wrong) & the boys have now snuck downstairs to get dressed, or so I was told.  I hear the LEGO box being emptied, which means that in short order I will be asked my opinions on today's latest creation, to which I will of course reply, "that's so cool."

There are days where I feel like I'm losing my mind or that I've already lost it.  Days where I have ZERO patience & just need a break.  Having 3 kids is busy.  There's no denying it but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  These 3 little people are the reason that I do what I do, they are the reason that I'm working on me.  They are the reasons that I first walked through those gym doors, they are the reasons that I go when I'm not motivated & they are the reasons that I will not give up.

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. ~Angela Schwindt

The Island Of Misfit Toys

I totally suck at keeping up the blogging this summer, it just seems like I have a million things that are more important than sitting on the computer like playing outside in the little bit of sun that we've had with my kids.  Anyways moving on...

Most of us have seen that Christmas movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys, I know that it's been a Christmas tradition in our family since before I was born (yes I'm that young). Yesterday, my oldest son came up to me and said, "mommy, am I weird?  My friend says I'm weird."  After I was able to reassure him about how everyone is different and it's a good thing, I started thinking about how I too often feel "weird" or "out of place" when I'm with my peers.

To me, JDFT starts out for most as the Island of Misfit Toys, a place where everyone who has been hurt, broken and neglected can go and feel 100% safe and accepted.  Many of us have walked through that door hanging by our last threads looking for someone who gets it, someone who's got your back no matter what and as long as you're willing to extend the same courtesy, you'll never be lonely or a misfit again.  They're in the business of helping you to improve your life, inside and out, one broken little piece at a time.  I know that there are a lot of us who've felt like misfits walking through those doors, but after a week or two our confidence increases, and little by little the healing begins.  Soon you're no longer a misfit, just a member of a community that thinks outside of the box and accepts you for exactly who you are.

I understand that an island full of misfits isn't appealing to everyone, but it's worth checking out, after all, everyone is a misfit in some way, shape or form.  It's because this gym is different that makes it so special to each and every one of its' members but it's also because of that difference that the staff and Jo herself has to work their asses off twice as hard in order to keep the gym open, in order to get funding etc...  They all do it without hesitation because they were all misfits too, and they want to ensure that no toy gets left behind.

If you feel like an outcast and need that place to go where you can be accepted, or are considering checking out the gym, just do it!  I promise you that you will not feel left behind or like an outcast.  Once you walk through those doors, you are no longer a misfit, you become a member of a community of former misfits who have found a safe place to be themselves and to accepted for it.

I find that the very things that I get criticized for, which is usually being different and just doing my own thing and just being original, is the very thing that's making me successful. Shania Twain

The Sun Dress

It's no secret, I've never really been a girly girl.  Aside from wearing my kilt for dance competitions, I rarely wore skirts or dresses growing up.  In fact after my high school graduation, the next time that I wore a dress was on my wedding day and then once or twice since.  I did wear a skirt quite a bit towards the end of my last pregnancy because it was just too hot being late June and I just didn't really care what other people thought because I was bitchy & pregnant.

I bought a couple of cute sun dresses a while ago, thinking that maybe my sister might like them or that I might be brave enough to wear one to my brother in law's ordination but it never happened.  I kept telling myself that my body wasn't where I wanted it yet and that I shouldn't put them on and I didn't.  This weekend, I said screw it and pulled them out of the closet and put that first teal dress on.  I loved it on, it looked pretty good and I felt comfortable in it.

Putting something like that on would never have even crossed my mind 6 months ago, I just wouldn't have done it.  In my 7 months at JDFT I've put in a lot of work, I've changed my thinking, I've accepted that nobody's perfect, that we just need to try our hardest.  I've NEVER felt stronger or healthier in my life and I owe that all to the amazing team at the gym.  I know that I've done the work myself but I never would have had the success that I have so far had they not given me (and many others) a comfortable place to make changes happen, to sort through all of the head work and just have a good old fashioned top of the line support system.

I look forward to checking out other hidden gems in my closet that I might have completely discounted a few months ago, and even if they don't fit just right, I'm going to wear them.  I'm going to stop waiting for perfection because it's not going to happen and I'm going to embrace my body every step of the way through this journey.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Unintentional Hiatus

Holy crap what a whirlwind month we've had and I neglected my blog.  Ooops.  Oh well, I'm over it.

It seems like since the Slave Lake donation drive our lives have completely sped up.  We've travelled to BC, I've been watching my friend's 2 kids most weekdays (which means on a typical day I have 5 kids), we've had company upon company and somehow we had to try and maintain a sense of normalcy in our household.

Trying to find the time to go to the gym hasn't always been easy but I've gone, even with 5 kids in tow, because it's important to me.  I made the decision to maintain a healthy lifestyle and just because we've been busy and circumstances have changed, doesn't mean that I'm going to throw in the towel.  I've had successes followed by failures but every time I've moved on and started all over again.

I started food journalling again at the request of my personal trainer and realized that although I have significantly increased my food consumption on a lot of days I still wasn't there.  Let's say on average 200-300 calories shy everyday which for one day isn't soooo bad but add that up over a week and suddenly I'm 1400-2100 calories shy which is almost an entire day.  Yikes!  I stepped it up and ate... I met my calorie goal every day and lost 3 lbs.  That success was almost immediately followed by indulging, 2 birthday parties in 4 days... which although I didn't have cake at the first, I had chips (and quite a few) and then by the time the next party came, I had a piece of cake, some chips and smokies... I saw myself spiralling out of control and that was NOT okay with me.  I felt guilty, I felt like I fucked up (sorry for the language) but I had to forgive myself, otherwise I would have kept spiralling.

I'm back on track, and doing better at least food choice wise and I'm fitting my workouts in.  I feel bad going to the gym sometimes though with 5 kids in tow.  Generally the kids are all good, but my lovely daughter is teething and is the spawn of satan as a result, so I feel horrible taking her there.  I need my workout time for my sanity and because I'm not giving up on my goals but I feel like some days I'm more stressed while I'm working out.  I feel bad because I either have a screaming baby attached to my hip or someone else has MY screaming baby while they're trying to take care of other responsibilities.  Working out in the evenings just isn't an option for us right now, it simply doesn't work with my schedule but I'm at a loss.  I'm grateful that my gym is made up primarily of moms who get it,  but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to put up with it either.  The last thing that I want is to piss off the amazing people that I've met at the gym and who I enjoy working out with but I just don't know what to do.  Maybe I'm over thinking things and feeling like a failure who they're all judging behind my back, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I'm going to keep making it work somehow, maybe that means some days you'll see me at the gym with 5 kids, on other days you'll see me running down the streets in Sylvan pushing a stroller and racing 3 pre-schoolers or at the park.  I'll still be doing something, I just have to make it work.  Period.

Through all of this craziness, I never considered giving up, I indulged and made some poor choices but I never thought, "well you're done now, you've failed", instead I kept thinking of how to move on and start over.  For those who knew me before or when I first started, this was an internal dialogue that would NEVER have happened before.  I know without a doubt that I've made changes and taken strides in the right direction, now I just have to keep going.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

A Community Like No Other

You've all read about JDFT and how much I love it there.  I may have also mentioned on numerous occasions the community that is JDFT, right?  The people and community of JDFT have stepped up and astounded me again.

On Sunday night, discussions started amongst members and Jo about helping out the community of Slave Lake, which has been devastated by wild fire.  This community has lost their homes, vehicles, jobs, everything and I can only imagine their hope at this point.  Jo created a Facebook event for a donations drive at the gym to help with relief efforts and at 9am Monday morning, donations started to roll in.

The support of members alone was amazing, having the back half of the gym almost full by noon.  Members came into the gym on their lunch breaks to help sort the donations and word was spreading quickly via social media that JDFT was "THE" drop off spot for donations.  Donations are being accepted at MANY locations throughout Central Alberta but JDFT seems to be the HUB of all of these donations.  Big 105, one of the local radio stations brought their convoy of donations to us to be sorted and we were overwhelmed by support.  It's not just support for the community of Slave Lake that's been amazing but also with how the City of Red Deer has embraced JDFT and allowed us to step up and help out.

We were overwhelmed by the support we received from local businesses; businesses stopping by to offer their services, and even delivering some much needed pizza to our hard working volunteers.  I must admit, I've also been underwhelmed by the lack of support shown by some businesses but we're managing just fine without them and their support.  I believe that there's a little thing called Karma that they should look out for.

Most of this probably sounds like the typical relief efforts for any disaster anywhere in the world, so what makes our community different?  In no other community have I seen people drop absolutely everything or  take a week off from work just to help out.  Nor have I seen the kids, 4 & 5 year olds avoiding the playroom so they can help load a U-Haul and crying when they can't find enough stuff to fill a box fast enough.  My husband came home from working an 8 hour day to come back to the gym and work another almost 8 hours because he felt it was his responsibility to help out wherever possible.  He jumped into recycle bins hunting for boxes, he drove with our kids in the van to a storage location to unload the trailers and came back to help load the U-Haul until nearly midnight while our kids slept in their car seats.  I don't think this makes me a bad parent, I'm teaching my children to help others and they woke up this morning with my 4 year old asking if we could go back to the gym and do some more team work.

I completely believe that Jo and her team want us all to "be the change you want to see in the world".  She has given us every opportunity to do so, now it's time for all of us, members or not, local or not to step up and make a difference in the lives of others.  If you can't help out with this cause, then find another way to do something to help someone.  Just do something!  I challenge you!

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
~ Nicholas Sparks

Renewed Focus

It's no secret to anyone that I've been frustrated lately.  I've been frustrated by injury and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.  I've been in a slump and regardless of what my husband would say to me, I've felt overwhelmed.

Honestly, my injury has been a blessing in a few ways, although it's completely frustrating being in pain and not being able to do the things that I've grown to love, it's allowed me time to step back and look at what I've done and time to get caught up on things that needed to be done.

Today I got some words of encouragement from someone other than my husband and other than one of the other great ladies at JDFT or Momstown.  It was a simple message left on my facebook wall, just saying how proud they were of me.  This afternoon that message was followed up by a phone call, one that was really what I needed right now.  Just a few small words, "I don't want you to quit what you're doing, not just with your weight loss but with everything.  I don't want you to quit.  I'm so very proud of you, more than you can ever know." and with those words, I'm re-focused, ready to give even more than I have before.

I was starting to get too comfortable nursing my injury and I could have easily given myself the okay to just sit this weekend's run out, but it's NOT okay.  I took some time to look at everything I've done, all that I can do now that I couldn't before.  Who gives a shit if I haven't lost a ton of weight yet, I can do pushups full on now.  I can run a kilometer without stopping or puking.  I have clothes that are too big now and I don't cringe completely when I look in the mirror.  I wouldn't have come this far if I had talked myself out of taking those first steps into JDFT in December or if I had given up after spending months being sick, so why the hell would I quit now?  This month, I'm not doing it for weight or inch loss, I'm doing it to show myself how much MORE I can do after another month and that starts with sucking it up and doing my first 5km run/walk on Saturday.  I'm mostly going to be walking, but I'll be walking in that red JDFT-WTF t-shirt with my head held high knowing that the thought would never have even crossed my mind 5 months ago to walk a 5km, let alone consider entering one.  How much more can I do after another month?  2 months?  6 months?  I don't know but I'm sure as hell GOING to find out!

A limit on what you will do, puts a limit on what you can do.- Anonymous

Pain is weakness leaving the body... or an injury

I'm beyond frustrated, that's all there is to say.  I've enjoyed the changes that I've seen & felt since starting on this adventure.  I love that I no longer cringe when I think of working out but I look forward to it.  I actually enjoy running, which I've NEVER enjoyed before.

So why am I bitching?

Because it seems like there's always something trying to drag me down.  At first it was the skeptics, the sabatoeurs, and the ones who were simply against my choices.  After that, it was the winter of plague, seriously, I cannot remember any other time in my life where so many people were sick so often, myself and family included.  It seemed like every week there was a new illness rearing its' ugly head in our house and as soon as the last of us got over it, there was something new to plague us with.  Despite all of this, I pushed through (as much as I could even while being sick).  We've been on the mend for almost 3 weeks now, knock on wood and then my injuries started.

Honestly at first I completely ignored them and pushed through the pain because I thought maybe my body was just having a harder time adjusting to my increased activity once I took up running.  I thought that I'd probably just tweaked my knee on my runs because it's been icy (yes, we still have ice & snow here in wonderful Alberta!).  I never really took the time to think back to what might really be causing the issues.  I just did what I could at my workouts and RICEd it when I was home (for those wondering what the hell RICE is, R-est, I-ce, C-ompression, E-levation).  I finally broke down and went to the doctor, turns out it's most likely patellar tendonitis or a mild sprain;  I shouldn't be surprised, I've had it before after being hit by a truck in high school and severely injuring my knee but I didn't put the pieces together.  Now because of my previous injury, I have to exercise extreme caution in my workouts until it's better or I risk injuring it even further, especially if it is in fact a sprain because I could tear one of the ligaments.  So now, I have to rest for a week and if the swelling and pain don't subside, go back... frick!  I guess I'll be doing lots of guns n' guts this week!

Did I mention that I have every intention of running/walking a 5km in Blackfalds next weekend?  I still plan on doing it, hopefully WITHOUT crutches but that's going to depend entirely on my ability to rest, which I might add, is next to impossible with 3 kids running around.  Maybe instead of prescribing physio, the doctor should prescribe a nanny for the week so that I can keep off my feet.  Sounds good to me!

Pain is temporary.  It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.  If I quit however, it lasts forever.  -Lance Armstrong

The Break Up

So I went 3 weeks without looking at my scale... I hid it under the bed under the luggage, out of sight, out of mind... or so I thought.  For the first week or so, every time I went into the bathroom, I had the urge to hop on it but it wasn't there, so I'd walk away.  I kept thinking to myself, I wonder where I'm at; I wonder if there's been any sort of change... blah, blah, blah.  Lots of friends have been posting as of late, how many inches or pounds they've lost and how they're fitting into clothes they haven't in a long time and I just wanted to pull out the scale and see where I was at, but I didn't. 

I have been journalling my food regularly lately (except for the past few days because the website was being glitchy) but am back at it today.  Last week, I put on a pair of dress pants that I bought at Christmas time that I had to squeeze myself into and they were loose.  In fact, I could even pull them up without undoing them.  It was a GREAT sense of accomplishment.  I think I'm "getting" it more and more everyday.  I've had my slip ups but I work through them instead of beating myself up about them and I'm feeling great.  I severed the chains that my scale had attached to my ankle (and brain) and decided not to let the number define who I am.

This morning, I stepped on that scale and was nervous at first to look down; terrified at the potential of seeing no change yet again.  I talked myself into it and opened my eyes.  Well, it had gone down and I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I am no longer a slave to my scale.  I stepped off that son of a bitch with a big grin on my face and kicked it back under the bed.  I'll see it again when I'm good and ready.

Seriously, if you are frustrated and are a slave to your scale (or any other thing for that matter), kick it to the curb for a few weeks.  Quit cold turkey and live your life!  Do what you know you need to do and don't let a stupid friggin number rule your world.  I guarantee you will feel a sense of freedom and you will be able to embrace your new (or in progress) you.  Afterall strong is the new skinny and beauty is not defined by the size of your jeans!



"Hating You Would Require An Emotional Commitment!"

            



Can I Get A Break?

Seems like we've been playing against the world as a family lately.

Someone in our house is sick, always sick.  I'm not sure that we've had a bug free week since before Christmas.

Got screwed over with our taxes because although I asked to have taxes taken off my EI for mat leave, the government didn't take enough so I owe.

Then there's all of the family drama; someone's always dragging us into drama of some kind or another.  We do pretty well at keeping our distance but sometimes you get thrown under the bus and BAM! there you are right smack in the middle of it all.

This list could go on for what seems like forever these days but this isn't a total whine session and most of you are probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with my fitness journey?  Well besides being able to completely ignore my cravings for crap that are completely stress related, I'm getting there!

So, remember how I mentioned in my last blog post that I had won that gift card towards personal training at another gym?  Well, I went to check it out yesterday.  I met with the owner who was very nice and took me on a tour of the facility.  It was tough for me to even walk through those doors, feeling like I was completely stabbing my mentor in the back but I did it.  All I can say is, "WOW!  That is sooooooo not the place for me!"  Don't get me wrong it has a lot of great features, bells and whistles that would attract most people and the staff were very friendly but it just wasn't my scene.  I had a really hard time even entering the contest to begin with and in hindsight wish I hadn't at all.  Finding out that I had $300 to use towards personal training there seemed great because I know that I want and could benefit from it but we just cannot afford it, it's nowhere close to being in our budget right now, especially with my mat leave set to run out soon.  I was more than disappointed to find out that the first $100 of my gift card would have to be used towards their assessments, leaving me with $200 to use towards the personal training, only the shortest contract that you can sign up for is 3 months of $300 each after taxes... so far beyond our budget that I wanted to laugh out loud.  Had I known that I would have to sign up for a contract, I wouldn't have entered the contest, I would have definitely stepped aside so that someone else who has the means could benefit from it.

Needless to say, I was and still am disappointed.  I was looking forward to having personal training and having that extra kick in the ass to push myself even further than I have been pushing myself but it's just not doable.  Seems like lately it's one step forward, two steps back.

Soooooo, anyone want a $300 gift card towards personal training? Lol

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

Life Begins At The End Of Your Comfort Zone

Every step of my journey so far comes back to those 9 words, "LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE". 

It started with me admitting that I wasn't entirely proud of how I had put myself on the back burner for so long and let myself slide; so I made a commitment to changing that.

I got the opportunity to go to a gym and tried to come up with excuses and reasons not to go because I was worried about how I'd look/feel walking in there; I sucked it up, reminded myself of my commitment and walked in there.

I could have easily clammed up and not talked to anyone at the gym because we may not have had anything in common, but I didn't; I talk to everyone who I'm training with and have made some great new friends because of it.

I could have stuck with the same few classes at the gym because they weren't too tough and I knew what to expect but I won't get to where I want to go by playing it safe so I tried harder classes that I wasn't even sure I was ready for.  Oh and I survived, so I can assure you that you will too!

I had the opportunity to do a personal training session because I had helped out with childcare and could have put off doing it because I didn't want to have my ass kicked but I sucked it up and sure I felt like puking but I felt great for getting through it.

I had the chance to nominate myself to win a free month of personal training and I almost didn't.  I know almost every other nominee personally and am friends with a majority of them.  I had a really hard time basically saying, "pick me over one of my friends", so I almost didn't enter because I think we were all equally deserving.  On the day before submissions were due, I finally did it, I wrote my self nomination essay; I wrote about exactly why I felt that I deserved to win.  Guess what?  I won second prize!

I now have a meeting tomorrow at this other gym to take a tour and talk about what I want to do and I'm having a hard time with it.  I am in love with everything that JDFT has given me and done for me already and I feel almost like I'm betraying them or cheating on them by even going to this other gym.  I'm afraid to train with someone new, someone who may not "get it" like they do at JDFT, of going to a new gym, of being the new girl again but I also signed myself up for this because it's a great opportunity.  I'm not going to to turn my back on my second home or go MIA for a month because I'm training somewhere else as well, it's just going to be different that's all and different is not always a bad thing.

Frustration should be a 4 letter word

I've had a bad week.  Not really with my eating or fitness even, just with simple frustration. 

On a couple of occasions, I just wanted to sit down and cry or throw my hands up and say, "f$#* it!" but I didn't. 

Why am I so frustrated?  For many reasons, most of them having to do with the stress of my biggest saboteur (my mother) coming to visit.  For those who know me, know that I don't have the best relationship with my mother.  I know that she did the best that she could raising my sister and I on her own but the hurt and lifelong wounds that she caused me are also something that I can't forget, although I have tried to forgive.  It always starts with the little comments when she sees what I make for dinner, the comments like "oh, it's nice to see that you're finally being a little more conscientious about what you're eating."  Seriously?  I told her that we are trying to improve our family's lifestyle etc... and she just started with her excuses, "oh, I wish we could eat whole grains but my husband can't now." and "I'm jealous that you can go out and run, I just can't do it because of my knees and feet".  I just wanted to slap her.  Frustration #1.

My other frustration came when I stepped on that scale for the 8 millionth time in the last month and didn't see it budge at all that week.  I know that I shouldn't be frustrated because I've seen a vast improvement in my overall fitness as well as my muscle tone, but those lingering emotional issues started to pop up in the back of my head as I looked at that stagnant number and that's when those tears wanted to flow.  I promised myself that I would not get discouraged and that I would roll with the punches, I even wrote that down as part of my lifelong goals.

I made two more promises to myself after my rollercoaster week, so that I can push through any future frustrating weeks:

1. To hide my scale and only weigh myself once a month (the only exception to this will be if I have personal training, and even then I will ask not to know what my weight is until my month is up).
2. To journal my food, again.  I've done this in the past but given up after a week or so, this time, I'm doing it indefinitely.  I will not allow myself to "see the end in sight" and give up.  If I still don't see results after my month of hiding my scale, then I will have Jo look over my journal and help me.

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete. - Richard Buckminster Fuller

Save It!

I'm so tired of all of my friends who are all over the place on their fitness/weight loss journeys and their constant whining and sniveling that nothing's working.  Here's what I say to them (and yes, I've had this conversation with them in person too):

If you cut your caloric intake but don't get your ass off your couch, you're not going to see results.  You're just going to be a hungry irritable bitch.

If you've signed up for a gym but only go sporadically or once a week, you're not going to see results unless of course you're doing things when you're not there.  However, if you were doing that you wouldn't have got to where you are now in the first place.

If you workout hard but don't eat anything, you're not going to see results.  You're halfway there but can't get to where you need to unless you eat properly.  So stop being stubborn and just f*#$ing eat already!

If your life is "too busy" to make any long term commitments to your health then I guess I'll see you at your funeral.  To which I might also add, will be much sooner than my own and all of the others who are making conscious efforts to prolong our lives.

If you don't do a damn thing, and I mean anything like exercise or changing your eating habits but complain constantly about your weight, then just shut up already.  You're on the road to nowhere and you're just pissing your friends who are tired of supporting you off.

I'm by no means an expert but I've been almost every one of those friends at one point or another.  I have a long ways to go before I get to where I'm headed but I'm finally doing it.  Stop making your damn excuses and do something.  Oh and if you think I'm avoiding you, I'm not.  I'm deliberately ignoring you because you're pissing me off and I'm done babying or piggy backing you.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.- Ovid

Gracie's Song

Driving to town the other day listening to one of my favourite songs, "F$*#ing Perfect" by Pink and thinking really hard about the lyrics.  My husband reaches over and squeezes my hand and says, "I'm sorry."  I asked him why and he said, "I just wish that you had always been number one to someone."  I just wanted to pull him close to me and give him a kiss, but settled for a choking back the tears "thank you".  I want nothing more for my kids than for them to know that they are each number one to me.

Everytime I hear that song, I can't help but feel a little pang reminding me of what I only wish people in my life would have said to me growing up.  I wish that someone would have had sat down with me and told me even just once that I was enough, just the way I was. 

I'm not going to write my sob story, everyone has their story & I know that I wouldn't be the strong person that I am now if wasn't for the things I went through.

I have a song for each of my kids, a song that I want them to be able to listen to whenever they need motivation, encouragement, support, kick in the ass or what have you.

This is Gracie's song.

Just Play. Have Fun. Enjoy the Game.

Short & to the point today.

We started a new rule in our house this week & the kids have responded surprisingly well to it. 

Moving = Sitting.

So basically however much time they decide to spend sitting in front of the TV, we then in turn spend the same amount of time unplugged and playing/being active.  I couldn't be a hypocrite even while being sick so I've implemented the same rule for myself.  Today, I knew that I had about an hour of work to do on the computer so I made sure that I made it to the gym even though I'm sick and probably got everyone else there sick too.  Turned out that I had about 30 minutes more than anticipated so the kids and I played "red light, green light" for 45 minutes (although I didn't run as much as I should have lol).

The kids are having fun with it too.  Kenyon is really the only one who gets it but because he's doing it, Nate wants to do it too.  Kenyon is now asking me, "How long is Wall-E? Cause we need to know how much silly time we get today."  Silly time, that's another way to describe it.  It's not their usual play time because that typically envolves building Lego or playing cars, so not being overly active; silly time is fun for all of us because we are all participating & don't let the outside world bother us.  There's no TV on in the background and no one's on the computer, we don't even answer the phone.  Usually the only technology we use is the iPod for our "dance parties".

We all say that we can't live without our technology, and it's definitely our lifeline, but seriously try to unplug even for an hour and PLAY with your kids (if you have any), do what THEY want to do (as long as it's something active), I can guarantee that you'll have fun!

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"- Walt Disney

Death is too late for a wake up call

Do you ever feel like you just want to shake or slap someone?  Either for knowing it all or just being completely stupid?

I've had a week FULL of "I just want to slap you" moments.  Not all of them were bad, they were more tongue in cheek moments thinking people are know it alls but then some of them were those "I can't believe you actually just said that" moments.

I love the know it alls because although I think to myself that "I just want to slap you for being right all the time" they can actually encourage me to re-think my excuses and change even more.  Those are usually the people that I don't outright tell that I've considered slapping them.

On the other hand, there are the rest of the "I want to slap you" crowd, the ones that sometimes have a lapse in judgement and say something completely stupid or the ones that are just plagued by eternal stupidity.  An example of one of those, the friend that just complained about not having enough money for diapers & formula but just got new hair extensions.  Or my personal favourite from this past week, the friend that tries to encourage you to try her new diet with her, where she consumes only 700 calories/day and claims that the best part is that she doesn't even have to work out to lose weight, yet this same friend "blacked out" behind the wheel and was lucky enough to have only wound up in the ditch not dead with her babies in the vehicle with her. 

This particular friend I just wanted to slap (but I'd have to take a number because I'm sure there's a long line forming).  I just felt like saying "no shit Sherlock, of course you blacked out, your body needs 1200 calories to just function alone!"  I tried to warn her, hell I even tried guilting her as I'd heard Jo do by saying, "how do you think your kids are going to feel, when they can't wake you up in the morning?" but she still didn't get it.  The worst part of it all was that once she was checked out and her husband took her to get some lunch, she stopped at the pharmacy to grab some Ex-lax.  F*#$ing idiot!  I want to slap her, I want her to see that she's killing herself, I want her husband to take an interest and help her but no one seems to want to step in.

I've offered her moral support and motivation in a healthy lifestyle change but she just wants that quick fix.  I know that her quick fix is going to quickly land her in a grave but she doesn't seem to get it.  I think I'm just going to stick with what I'm doing, you know, the whole "slow & steady wins the race" idea; it's working for me.  I'm just saying.

I don't think I'll have to kill her. Just slap that pretty face into hamburger meat, that's all- Sterling Hayden

Don't Make Excuses, Make Good

Soooo, no one told me when I signed up for this life changing journey that it would become an addiction.  I truly don't remember that being part of the waiver that I signed when I signed up at JDFT.  I don't remember finding any fine print anywhere stating the possible side effects that I could suffer from withdrawl.  Maybe I'll sue lol, kidding!

We've been enjoying a fairly low key Family Day weekend.  I went out to JDFT girls night on Friday and had fun, rolled in at 3 am only to have Kenyon wake up exactly 10 minutes later puking (a horrible side effect from his new anti-seizure medicine).  My plan was to go to Hardcore (and Tom agreed to go with me) on Saturday morning but after being up until almost 5:30 am cleaning up puke and bathing Kenyon, I was just too bagged to go.  I was disappointed but moved on planning on getting a work out in that night. Well that night rolled around and I just couldn't do it (or so I let myself believe) I was too tired.  Now I know that if I had made myself do it, I would have felt better but I went to bed believing that it was just "too much work" to exercise.

Sunday morning rolled around and we decided to take the kids to Drumheller for the day, determined not to make any excuses, I packed a bag full of healthy snacks for us to eat on the drive and looked forward to spending the afternoon walking around the museum.  I was disappointed that I was going to miss the Get Fit Club meeting but family was more important and we basically needed 2 parents at all times to monitor my son whose medications were still working their way out of his system.    I knew that I'd feel good after spending a good couple of hours walking and we'd be home early enough that we could even get a workout in when we got home.  Well the afternoon didn't really go as I'd planned, we got to the museum and toured around there for all of an hour, 2 &4 year old boys don't quite have the attention span to look at anything for more than 30 seconds despite how "cool" & "amazing" it all was.  So after just a little more than an hour, we piled all 3 kids back into the van and drove some more.  By the time we got home, we'd driven almost 600 km, eaten out and had 3 kids who were more than ready for bed.  I did not workout and I went to bed feeling a little bitter.

Well good morning Monday, NOT!  I woke up not only with some sort of stomach bug that has not been pleasant to say the least, I woke up a total raving bitch!  Grouchy and emotional (and no it's not that time of the month) and the only real change from my normal routine is the lack of exercise.  The biggest kicker of it all is that, not only am I a raging bitch who's ready to tear pretty much anyone a new asshole which is multiplied tenfold if you're my husband, I actually CAN'T work out tonight because this stupid bug has convinced my ass not to cooperate.  I told my hubby that I was going to workout anyways but he felt the need to remind me of Jo's rule (apparently he does pay attention when he wants to hold something over me, douche): If fluids are coming out of either end, take a break.  Apparently cleaning up the shit from 2 kids in diapers is enough and he doesn't want to have to deal with me too.

I'm sitting here though feeling the itch, also feeling my stomach rumble & gurgle and make all sorts of other disgusting noises that I'm sure aren't normal but I want my fix!  I told my husband, "all I want to do is go to the damn gym but they're friggin closed and I'm friggin sick".  This is not a set back for me, just a major piss off.  I like, no, LOVE working out and exercising now.  I LOVE having my 4 year old son say to me, "mommy, let's go to the gym instead" every time I suggest we go pretty much anywhere.  I just wish that these damn bugs could stay the F*&# away from me so that I can keep doing what I love.  According to my husband, I'm sick because I want to workout even when I'm sick.  If I don't get my fix soon, look out world, MOMzilla will be on the prowl ready to roar and tear someone a new asshole.

Excuses are the nails used to build the house of failure. - Don Wilder

In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.

JDFT is a prime example of something that has become irreplaceable in so many lives because it is so different.

Only at JDFT will you see or hear:

• Children running around in their pajamas
• A mom stop halfway through her workout to breastfeed
• The trainers work just as hard and usually harder than the members
• A group of women stop their workout to help someone who has never worked out before do her last burpee
• Someone start a sentence with "When I lived in Ecuador..."
• Someone do burpees and pushups until they can't walk and their arms hurt to touch
• Kids running around with and sometimes losing ham, yes like sandwich meat (random but not uncommon)
• The background story to each and every Bon Jovi song (if you care)
• That JDFT members are the mayors of several places around town because they're just that awesome
• Members band together to put on a VERY successful garage sale & silent auction in a week
• Trainers holding babies while moms workout (they just don't do diapers)
• Candid & VERY open conversations about pretty much anything
• Stripper Move Wednesdays
• Board games turn into full contact sports
• A nutrition class that talks just as much about "sexy time" as it does about actual nutrition
• Someone greet you by name every time you walk in
• Such a sense of community & team spirit
• Soooo many coffees brought to the trainers (and they have a coffee machine!)
• The trainer bring McDonalds to the gym & eat it in front of you while you workout
• The seemingly sweetest trainers laugh demonically when they tell you what you're going to do for your workout
• Animal yoga positions performed with sound effects
• Kids giving each other "tattoos" & also learning how to care for them
• Members do absolutely ANYTHING to help out whenever & however needed

These are just a few of the MANY reasons that I absolutely LOVE JDFT.  Thank you to Jo, Shannon & Amanda for all that you do in making the gym such an amazing place & somewhere for all of us to belong.

It's been 22 years of making records and I must have been to Japan 25 times or more. There's not too many things in the world I haven't seen.- Jon Bon Jovi

PS: I can think of one thing in particular that he hasn't seen ;)

Derailment

Wow what a week!  I thought for sure that I would get off track and I did, maybe it was because I anticipated it.  We had probably the busiest week in years this week between birthdays, parties, tests and doctor's appointments. 

I tried to plan ahead knowing how busy we were going to be by packing healthy snacks but let myself indulge when out with the ladies on Tuesday night. 

Then Wednesday was Kenyon's birthday and we had planned to go out for dinner so I knew that it wasn't going to be the best day food wise, however I didn't plan on eating the 2 Babycakes cupcakes for dessert... so the guilt set in. 

Thursday we headed off to Edmonton for Kenyon's tests at the Stollery Children's hospital and since I was still feeling guilty for indulging in the cupcakes the night before, I packed my purse full of healthy snacks again and water.  I did well, I ate those and had a relatively healthy lunch at the Pita Pit and was proud of our family as we took the stairs all day, and walked to get lunch. 

Friday was supposed to be a relaxing day but ended up getting filled with appointments and stress, and I did NOT eat enough.  I went to the gym on basically an empty tank (I shoved a piece of bread with almond butter and honey into my mouth on my way out the door) and had an impossible time trying to get everything that I needed to accomplished.  There was that little voice in the back of my head (and it sounded oddly like Jo's) telling me that I needed to eat more and that I shouldn't have worked out without the proper fuel.  I get it now!  No, SERIOUSLY, I get it, I have never felt like such crap after a workout and I'm actually thankful that Amanda gave us one hell of a workout to REALLY drill that message into me.

I thought for sure that I would get back on track yesterday and the day started off well.  I ate a good breakfast, went to the Get Fit Club Workout and then out to pick up Kenyon's birthday cake.  We had a very busy birthday party with 9 kids aged 2-5 bowling with a couple of babies crawling around and boy oh boy did I want a drink lol.  I didn't have a drink since I felt that I should at least appear to be responsible while caring for other people's kids but I did have a piece of that nasty, greasy pepperoni pizza that was offered by the bowling alley and I certainly had a piece of the super moist carrot cake with cream cheese frosting that my darling 4 year old boy specifically requested as his cake (almost as if he knew that it is my absolute favourite).  Wow!  I felt like shit... I can't even say crap because that is an understatement. 

Today, I tried to get back into the swing of things and it was rough, I still didn't eat enough but at least it was a better effort.  I still felt gross but I pushed myself to workout and make another healthy meal; I will NOT give up.

My goal for this upcoming week is to stay on track with my eating, and to not anticipate speed bumps or failures.  I will pack healthy snacks with me every time I go out to ensure that I have no room for excuses and not set myself up for failure.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other - Walter Elliot

Calorie Whore

First off, thanks to whoever reported my blog as offensive and had my last post deleted... there was a warning and I guess I'll have to censor myself from now on... lmao not gonna happen.

So I'm struggling right now with the whole calorie intake thing.  It's driving me insane.  My goal this week is to accurately track my caloric intake instead of just estimating.  To help, I've actually started using the daily plate instead of just playing on it, to help me track everything and suffice it to say that it's driving me insane.  I entered in my food as I went throughout the day in hopes of keeping on track and being able to make up any extra (if any) before 9pm.  Could I do it?  Nope.

I thought I was doing really well with my day but I was still coming up short and I mean WAY short and then I threw in my work out and now I'm lacking (PS: I really don't think that the workout is accurately accounted for on there because I think it said I burned approx. 882 calories, which seems absurd so I'll have to keep playing around with that a little).  I was successful in getting my water in but that's nothing new since all I drink is water and lots of it.

I got to dinner last night and I was hungry so I had my dinner and waited a little while, was still hungry so I had an extra serving of protein.  Feeling guilty, I quickly jumped online to track it eventhough I was ashamed only to find that I'm still WAY under.  I went to the gym feeling guilty but knowing that my workout would make me feel better and it did.  I had to go grocery shopping after the gym so I didn't eat anything right away and by the time we were checking out I was starving again.  I threw the kid and groceries in the van and literally inhaled a granola bar because I was so hungry.  When we got home I put all of the groceries away and got little man off to bed and was STILL hungry.  I had some cheese, a couple of crackers and some grapes and half an hour later I was still hungry so I had a glass of water.  After my water my brain was telling me that I wanted more food and I just couldn't do it anymore, I was getting pissed off with all of the extra food (especially so late at night because I was tired, it was almost 9:30) so I just said screw it and went to bed.  I was lying in bed going through my day in my head thinking about all of the food that I had consumed and thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm never going to get enough calories in, EVER!  Unless of course I become a calorie whore!"

So today's a new day and I'm going to work on pimping myself out to calorie Gods in hopes that I can come somewhere close to my goal.  We'll see how this goes, maybe by the next time I post, I'll be a calorie whore.

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip. - Arnold H. Glasgow

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it

So I don't know what compelle me to do it, but after I got out of the shower this morning, my scale seemed to be calling my name.  So I gave in and climbed on there.  To my surprise there was a change, not so much in the number (nothing that couldn't be attributed a big poop or something) but in what I saw when I looked down.  I didn't see a number that was saying "Hey fat girl, here's your proof, you're fat!" or anything that was going to keep me down.  Sure, I saw a slightly smaller number but I saw something more, something that said, "just keep going, you're not going to change overnight, but you're feeling great and staying commited, so that's all that matters right?".  I guess you could say that this was my first "AHA!" moment of my journey.  Sure I've had successes, I've met all of my weekly goals to date and we've changed our eating habits drastically, but this was the first time in probably 10 years where I didn't feel like crap for giving into my scale's taunting and in fact, I gave it a good little kick in the ass!  I guess there is something to be said about changing your thinking and having it change your life.

YAY!

All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs- Anthony Robbins

Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Hope For Tomorrow

Ok so this is attempt # 2 at this post since this stupid website "couldn't process" my last request and didn't save it.

So I got home from the gym today feeling really good after a great workout and finally found myself with 5 spare minutes to hop online to check my email, hop onto the Momstown message board and see if Jo had posted a blog entry, which she had.  It wasn't the usual funny little excerpts of her day, today's was honest (and brutally honest at that).  I knew that things have been up and down since the gym opened its doors, I guess I just hadn't realized how tough times had been as of late, and why would I?  I'm just a member and the staff there would never let us know that anything was going on.

I just don't understand why people are so hesitant to try a different style of gym.  There have been so many times in my short tenure at JDFT that I have talked the gym up, be it on Facebook, with friends or even strangers.  I absolutely love it there!  I have tried continuously to convince friends to come along even to try a class out and I'm always given excuses.  The excuses are usually that they don't want to drive the whole 10-15 minutes into Red Deer, yet it's the same friend that's already been in once or twice today to go shopping and pick up kids; "their" gym is better for whatever reason, although they paid for a membership and have only ever used it a handful of times and then there's the friend that wants to give their new kinect or other fitness video game a try before commiting to a gym, yet they're on Facebook 24/7 updating every minute of their lives with no posts about their fitness.

I feel helpless because despite my best efforts and those of MANY others there just aren't enough people coming through their doors.  I feel scared because I'm afraid of losing the family and community that is JDFT.  I love everything about it there, especially that they have taken away all of the excuses for not getting there.  I love that I can take my kids there at any time, I love that I can workout pretty much whenever it fits into my schedule, I love that I can let it all hang out (and there's a lot to hang out) without being judged and I especially love that I always have a gym buddy even if I'm the only one who shows up, the trainers will always workout with you.  I'd like to say that I'm commited enough to myself and my family that I would be able to keep up this new active lifestyle if the gym's doors did close but I honestly think that I'm still at the stage where I need the structure of going to a class and having the help of others to ensure that I'm doing everything correctly.  I can't just decide one day to workout at home if I don't have some sort of idea as to what I'm doing.

I have spent the evening trying to come up with ideas to help and I just don't know what to suggest besides taking in my empties (which there are still a lot of from the holidays) lol.  I guess I'm hoping that maybe some of you who are creeping my blog, I know you're out there, with more means than we have can help keep this amazing community alive. 

Something as awesome as JDFT cannot be lost, it's too important to have such a family focused atmosphere to instill an active in our younger generations, especially since experts are anticipating that by 2030 80% of Americans will be overweight. 

PLEASE HELP SAVE JDFT

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse, and when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Ugh, this weather has been really dragging me down. I just don't feel like doing anything, even blogging really.  So if blogging is such a chore can you imagine what working out feels like?  I have a mountain of things that I need to get done and this is what happened...  Went to start on taking some pictures for work, batteries in the camera are dead, so had to charge them.  Went to start on the laundry only to find a load that my husband had washed at some point over the week still in the washing machine smelling musty... ewww... so had to re-wash that load.  Was going to tidy up the living room but baby girl was having fun playing with all of her toys on the floor so I left them until she started fussing and getting bored.  After trying a couple of things, I just gave up and said I'll do it later. Was I making excuses for not doing the things that I intended on doing?  Absolutely.

I have noticed a change in my household over the past week and a half.  My kids are spending less time watching TV and asking to play Wii, they're playing with each other and creating games.  My husband is spending less time watching TV, he's offering to shovel the driveway and walkways without being asked.  My oldest son is asking when we're going to the "exercise gym" next.  I was lying on my bed yesterday talking to my hubby and said to myself, "why just lie here?  why don't you do some crunches?", so I did.  This is a change that I'm proud of, sure I still haven't convinced my husband to come to the gym but changes are happening regardless. 

So when I found myself falling into the "bad weather slump", I thought of this quote and decided that I don't want to be that horrible warning to my kids of what they don't want to be.  I want to be the good example so I dragged my lazy a$$ off of the couch and started to tackle each thing on my to do list again but this time without making excuses and guess what, I got it done!  It was great to be able to say to the kids that we're going to get the house tidied up today and we actually did it.  They are now starting to realize that when I say that we're going to do something it's not just an empty promise or threat, it means that I'm going to take action!

It is time to break through the barriers that have held you back and held you down for such a long time. It is time to reach out and indelibly etch your place in history.- Greg Hickman

What A Day...

We've all had them and they royally suck!  Today was one of those for me, or our entire house! 

I woke up this morning to hubby's alarm clock blaring away with him still sound asleep beside me... FML moment number 1, so I kick his ass out of bed and go back to sleep.  20 minutes later, in he walks to tell me that his van is still acting up (the ignition was sticking last night but he thought he knew what to do to make it work, well he was wrong) but he was going to figure it out.... Well geez, thanks for waking me up for that news flash.  10 minutes later, he's back, it's still not working but I'm going to keep tyring.  Then go do it!  I only have another half hour max before the kids wake up.  I give him my suggestion then roll over and try to get back to sleep.  15 minutes later he's back, yet again, finally agreeing to try my suggestion and apparently inform me of this, and I hear the kids.  YAY!  My last 45 minutes of sleep broken and interrupted, so I'm bitchy, FML moment/hour number 2.  Finally he gets it to work and off he goes to work, late but he's going.

Day continues as normal and we get ready to head off to school and do some grocery shopping while Kenyon's at school.  Everything's going good and I'm thinking, "well the day started off shitty, but at least it's improving".  We finish our errands and head back to pick Kenyon up from school, get out of the van and everything's as usual, in fact we're even early.  We grab Kenyon from school and I pack the kids into the van to head home, shut the sliding door after buckling Kenyon only to realize that it wasn't ice falling off the van when I slammed the door, the back freaking window smashed from the cold weather.  Not only does that suck, I find out from every shop that I call, that no one can fix it until tomorrow at the earliest.  FML moment number 3.  We made the freezing 5 block trip home and I was about ready to have a drink (mind you I didn't since it was only noon lol).

The day went on to involve me getting poop on myself from dirty diapers, spilling an entire cup of water (closer to the size of a Big Gulp cup) all over myself, the couch and carpet and then burning myself while cooking dinner. 

Ya, I know, will this bitch fest ever end?  How does this relate to your journey?  Well here it is, normally after a day like this, I would have waited until five o'clock on the dot, pour myself a drink and indulge in something sweet or some other treat, but I didn't.  I had a glass of water and grabbed myself a bowl of yogurt.  Not quite what I wanted but it satisfied me and I didn't eat anything crappy.

Might not be a big victory but I count it as one regardless; it's a step in the right direction.

Now, I'm going to sleep and will wake up to a better day!

Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!- Barbara Hoffman

Every Step You Take, Is A Step Away From Where You Used To Be

I have been feeling really good since starting on my journey to a new, healthier me.  I've had a positive attitude and have been really proud of myself for gettting my butt off the couch to get active and eat healthier. 

Last night I had my first nutrition and motivation class at the gym and it really got me thinking.  As I'm sitting in this room with other women who all have the same struggles as I do, I was thankful for a few things.

1. That I wasn't the biggest one in the room (I know that this is completely selfish and harsh but it made me happy that I decided to take this journey before I got even worse off).
2. To be the youngest one in the room, (which, sure, is a little awkward when I'm at least 5 years younger than the next mom and have 2 more kids than she does) but I think that I will honestly have the easiest road to recovery because I am that much younger and more resilient.
3. And finally to be surrounded by such great women and have such a great support system.

When I got home, I was talking with my husband about how I felt about the class and everything and the answers I gave him, I think shocked him.  He thought that I would just be going to this class to get healthier recipes and an eating plan but for me (and I'm sure Jo's got it coming), I want to address the underlying issues and heal the hurt that I have allowed to control my life so that I can overcome it.  I know this sounds like I've been talking to a self-help guru or some of that bullshit but I think that I'll honestly just be sabotaging myself if I don't address some of these issues.

I don't think people realize how much one word or statement can affect a person.  For all my life, and quite literally as far back as I can remember, I have been compared to my sister.  Weight wise, intelligence, dancing abilities, anything that could have been made into a comparison was.  I remember my mom always telling me that I was big or "chubby chicken" when looking at my baby pictures etc... and my sister was always "skinny mini".  I didn't realize how much I resented these early comparisons until I actually thought back to where my self image issues started and I think it honestly started with the comments my mom made.  These comparisons continued all throughout my childhood and to this day, people say that my sister and I can't honestly be related solely based upon our sizes.  I have allowed myself to become fat because I figured that's how everyone already perceived me so I'd better not disappoint.  Sure life threw me curveballs, it always does, getting hit by a truck at the peak of your activities doesn't do anything to help your self confidence and in turn, self image.  Having 3 babies in 3 1/2 years doesn't help the self image department either.  I spent the better part of 4 years looking like I ate a couple of watermelons so I got used to looking that way and now have to get that image out of my head.

Looking back, I realize that I was not fat, I know this in my head but not in my heart, I was healthy, and definitely more of an athletic build.  I will never be thin, I know that and that's not even what I want, I just want to be healthy.  I am making it a conscious effort to forgive everyone, especially myself for these comments and for letting them dictate who and what I am.

I didn't sign up for a quick fix road to recovery, I signed up for a life altering overhaul and I'm glad that I'm doing it.  The road to recovery and then success isn't going to be an easy one but I'm hoping that along the way I'll be able to break free of the chains of my past and move on with my life.

Consider this day one of my road to forgiveness as well, it's not going to be easy and it's going to start with talking to some of my family members and forgiving them but I'm ready to do it.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.- Maya Angelou

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

So, I'm listening to the radio this morning thinking that they must be joking.  I hear the jockeys talking about how the Canadian government has decided to lower the bar in terms of guidelines for daily activity.  Apparently they have decided that if they lower the bar, it might encourage more people to become active. 

HELLO?! On what f*&%ing planet does that make sense?  Does that mean that now because my kids don't feel like studying we should just lower the bar to 30% being a passing grade?  Are we not setting our kids up for a future of mediocrity?  It's a cop out on the government's part if you ask me.  Instead of putting more money into healthy initiatives and incentives, let's just spend it on re-printing our literature with our new couch potato guidelines.

The best part of the whole thing was the statistic they found for kids aged 12-19.  Their number one reason for not doing enough activity is not a lack of resources or anything that could be somewhat justifiable, they apparently are just too busy.  I know that demographic has a slate filled with the important things like texting, tweeting, Facebook and video games but instead of allowing their fingers and mouths to be the only things getting  a workout, why don't these kids' parents take an interest in their kids and make activity a priority.  No body wants to be the fat kid in high school but no body wants to get their a$$ off the couch to change it.  I get it, I was a teenager too, and no body wants to be told what to do by their parents but there comes a point where an intervention is needed.

I am not a fitness guru or anything like that, hell, I'm actually overweight but I've commited myself to changing that so seeing the government take such a defeatest attitude makes me see red.  I have, even with me not being in shape, always, ALWAYS made sure that my kids got at least the minimum physical activity needed, if nothing else to set them on the right track so that they would hopefully be better off than I was.  It makes me even more angry that the lower guidelines will in turn become the guidelines for school; the only place where kids can be guaranteed affordable physical activity.  If obesity is such an epidemic in North America, which it is (it's estimated that by 2030, 86% of Americans will be obese) then why are we lowering the bar instead of raising it?  Should we not ensure that our kids are doing more physical activity (at the very least at school) to fight this epidemic instead of letting them off the hook in hopes that they'll pick the slack up themselves.

It's all just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me, but that's just one mom's opinion.

~ Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts- Ruth Gordon

Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better

Sure this is only week 2 of my journey to a newer healthier me, but I'm already feel some differences.  There's no change in the number on my scale but I just don't care at this point because I'm feeling better and more energized already which has made life with 3 kids a little easier. 

I worked my ass off on Monday and was sure that I would regret trying the Amped workout which was broadcast online while the kids were napping and then hitting the gym again that evening for the TRX class but surprisingly, yesterday I wasn't nearly as sore as I had been last week after only one class.  I know that it's only a small step and a very small one at that but it's something that I'm proud of.

Now on a side note, I'm trying to get my husband on the bandwagon with me and it's not easy because he doesn't want to come to the gym until he's over this cold.  So last night for dinner, I decided that I would make a "clean" meal.  At the very least, I'll get him eating a little better at home and hopefully he'll eventually give in and join me at the gym.  So I make this clean meal, expecting a bit of a fuss since there's no cheese on the chicken or butter on the rice but he didn't complain.  In fact, he actually liked it, so maybe there is some hope for him after all.

I'd offer to share the recipe but since I'm still just writing to myself it seems a little pointless lol.

Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves. Dale Carnegie

It Doesn't Take A Monday

So I'm feeling a little lost after having 4 days "off" from working out.  I have been trying my best at continuing to eat healthy even on New Years Eve and to do some sort of physical activity which caused some of my friends eyebrows to raise on Friday night as we perused the snack table.  Many of them opted for the Mexican Chili dip and sweets or really anything that wasn't overly healthy.  Now I'm not going to lie and say that I steered clear completely but I am proud to say that I limited my intake and managed to eat almost half of the veggie platter lol.

As midnight approached we got onto the topic of resolutions (which I don't make anymore) or plans for the new year.  I told my friends that I had already started my journey to a newer healthier me and again eyebrows were raised.  "What's the point of a New Years resolution if you start it before the new year?"  Was one of the questions that I got to which I simply replied, "It doesn't take a Monday to start something new or to be successful."  When I then asked the same friend (who happens to have a similar goal/resolution to my own) when she would be starting, her answer was, "Well we'll be going to sign up on Monday and then taking it from there, seeing what our schedules look like.  You should totally come with us, it's going to be awesome."  I reminded her again that I had already started and found a gym that I totally love and the conversation changed.

While we were having this conversation, I chuckled to myself because on my second trip to the gym, Jo, Shannon and I had the same conversation about it not taking a Monday to be successful.  Jo even joking around and saying, "I'm sorry Shannon but you can only get fit if you start on a Monday."  I love that I've found a gym where we all seem to be on the same wavelength, it makes me even more determined to stay commited because the trainers there aren't like usual trainers who you're just a number to, they're like friends who know everyone by name.

Don't start living tomorrow, tomorrow never arrives. Start working on your dreams and ambitions today.-Unknown Author