Every Step You Take, Is A Step Away From Where You Used To Be

I have been feeling really good since starting on my journey to a new, healthier me.  I've had a positive attitude and have been really proud of myself for gettting my butt off the couch to get active and eat healthier. 

Last night I had my first nutrition and motivation class at the gym and it really got me thinking.  As I'm sitting in this room with other women who all have the same struggles as I do, I was thankful for a few things.

1. That I wasn't the biggest one in the room (I know that this is completely selfish and harsh but it made me happy that I decided to take this journey before I got even worse off).
2. To be the youngest one in the room, (which, sure, is a little awkward when I'm at least 5 years younger than the next mom and have 2 more kids than she does) but I think that I will honestly have the easiest road to recovery because I am that much younger and more resilient.
3. And finally to be surrounded by such great women and have such a great support system.

When I got home, I was talking with my husband about how I felt about the class and everything and the answers I gave him, I think shocked him.  He thought that I would just be going to this class to get healthier recipes and an eating plan but for me (and I'm sure Jo's got it coming), I want to address the underlying issues and heal the hurt that I have allowed to control my life so that I can overcome it.  I know this sounds like I've been talking to a self-help guru or some of that bullshit but I think that I'll honestly just be sabotaging myself if I don't address some of these issues.

I don't think people realize how much one word or statement can affect a person.  For all my life, and quite literally as far back as I can remember, I have been compared to my sister.  Weight wise, intelligence, dancing abilities, anything that could have been made into a comparison was.  I remember my mom always telling me that I was big or "chubby chicken" when looking at my baby pictures etc... and my sister was always "skinny mini".  I didn't realize how much I resented these early comparisons until I actually thought back to where my self image issues started and I think it honestly started with the comments my mom made.  These comparisons continued all throughout my childhood and to this day, people say that my sister and I can't honestly be related solely based upon our sizes.  I have allowed myself to become fat because I figured that's how everyone already perceived me so I'd better not disappoint.  Sure life threw me curveballs, it always does, getting hit by a truck at the peak of your activities doesn't do anything to help your self confidence and in turn, self image.  Having 3 babies in 3 1/2 years doesn't help the self image department either.  I spent the better part of 4 years looking like I ate a couple of watermelons so I got used to looking that way and now have to get that image out of my head.

Looking back, I realize that I was not fat, I know this in my head but not in my heart, I was healthy, and definitely more of an athletic build.  I will never be thin, I know that and that's not even what I want, I just want to be healthy.  I am making it a conscious effort to forgive everyone, especially myself for these comments and for letting them dictate who and what I am.

I didn't sign up for a quick fix road to recovery, I signed up for a life altering overhaul and I'm glad that I'm doing it.  The road to recovery and then success isn't going to be an easy one but I'm hoping that along the way I'll be able to break free of the chains of my past and move on with my life.

Consider this day one of my road to forgiveness as well, it's not going to be easy and it's going to start with talking to some of my family members and forgiving them but I'm ready to do it.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.- Maya Angelou