The Sun Dress

It's no secret, I've never really been a girly girl.  Aside from wearing my kilt for dance competitions, I rarely wore skirts or dresses growing up.  In fact after my high school graduation, the next time that I wore a dress was on my wedding day and then once or twice since.  I did wear a skirt quite a bit towards the end of my last pregnancy because it was just too hot being late June and I just didn't really care what other people thought because I was bitchy & pregnant.

I bought a couple of cute sun dresses a while ago, thinking that maybe my sister might like them or that I might be brave enough to wear one to my brother in law's ordination but it never happened.  I kept telling myself that my body wasn't where I wanted it yet and that I shouldn't put them on and I didn't.  This weekend, I said screw it and pulled them out of the closet and put that first teal dress on.  I loved it on, it looked pretty good and I felt comfortable in it.

Putting something like that on would never have even crossed my mind 6 months ago, I just wouldn't have done it.  In my 7 months at JDFT I've put in a lot of work, I've changed my thinking, I've accepted that nobody's perfect, that we just need to try our hardest.  I've NEVER felt stronger or healthier in my life and I owe that all to the amazing team at the gym.  I know that I've done the work myself but I never would have had the success that I have so far had they not given me (and many others) a comfortable place to make changes happen, to sort through all of the head work and just have a good old fashioned top of the line support system.

I look forward to checking out other hidden gems in my closet that I might have completely discounted a few months ago, and even if they don't fit just right, I'm going to wear them.  I'm going to stop waiting for perfection because it's not going to happen and I'm going to embrace my body every step of the way through this journey.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Unintentional Hiatus

Holy crap what a whirlwind month we've had and I neglected my blog.  Ooops.  Oh well, I'm over it.

It seems like since the Slave Lake donation drive our lives have completely sped up.  We've travelled to BC, I've been watching my friend's 2 kids most weekdays (which means on a typical day I have 5 kids), we've had company upon company and somehow we had to try and maintain a sense of normalcy in our household.

Trying to find the time to go to the gym hasn't always been easy but I've gone, even with 5 kids in tow, because it's important to me.  I made the decision to maintain a healthy lifestyle and just because we've been busy and circumstances have changed, doesn't mean that I'm going to throw in the towel.  I've had successes followed by failures but every time I've moved on and started all over again.

I started food journalling again at the request of my personal trainer and realized that although I have significantly increased my food consumption on a lot of days I still wasn't there.  Let's say on average 200-300 calories shy everyday which for one day isn't soooo bad but add that up over a week and suddenly I'm 1400-2100 calories shy which is almost an entire day.  Yikes!  I stepped it up and ate... I met my calorie goal every day and lost 3 lbs.  That success was almost immediately followed by indulging, 2 birthday parties in 4 days... which although I didn't have cake at the first, I had chips (and quite a few) and then by the time the next party came, I had a piece of cake, some chips and smokies... I saw myself spiralling out of control and that was NOT okay with me.  I felt guilty, I felt like I fucked up (sorry for the language) but I had to forgive myself, otherwise I would have kept spiralling.

I'm back on track, and doing better at least food choice wise and I'm fitting my workouts in.  I feel bad going to the gym sometimes though with 5 kids in tow.  Generally the kids are all good, but my lovely daughter is teething and is the spawn of satan as a result, so I feel horrible taking her there.  I need my workout time for my sanity and because I'm not giving up on my goals but I feel like some days I'm more stressed while I'm working out.  I feel bad because I either have a screaming baby attached to my hip or someone else has MY screaming baby while they're trying to take care of other responsibilities.  Working out in the evenings just isn't an option for us right now, it simply doesn't work with my schedule but I'm at a loss.  I'm grateful that my gym is made up primarily of moms who get it,  but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to put up with it either.  The last thing that I want is to piss off the amazing people that I've met at the gym and who I enjoy working out with but I just don't know what to do.  Maybe I'm over thinking things and feeling like a failure who they're all judging behind my back, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I'm going to keep making it work somehow, maybe that means some days you'll see me at the gym with 5 kids, on other days you'll see me running down the streets in Sylvan pushing a stroller and racing 3 pre-schoolers or at the park.  I'll still be doing something, I just have to make it work.  Period.

Through all of this craziness, I never considered giving up, I indulged and made some poor choices but I never thought, "well you're done now, you've failed", instead I kept thinking of how to move on and start over.  For those who knew me before or when I first started, this was an internal dialogue that would NEVER have happened before.  I know without a doubt that I've made changes and taken strides in the right direction, now I just have to keep going.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

A Community Like No Other

You've all read about JDFT and how much I love it there.  I may have also mentioned on numerous occasions the community that is JDFT, right?  The people and community of JDFT have stepped up and astounded me again.

On Sunday night, discussions started amongst members and Jo about helping out the community of Slave Lake, which has been devastated by wild fire.  This community has lost their homes, vehicles, jobs, everything and I can only imagine their hope at this point.  Jo created a Facebook event for a donations drive at the gym to help with relief efforts and at 9am Monday morning, donations started to roll in.

The support of members alone was amazing, having the back half of the gym almost full by noon.  Members came into the gym on their lunch breaks to help sort the donations and word was spreading quickly via social media that JDFT was "THE" drop off spot for donations.  Donations are being accepted at MANY locations throughout Central Alberta but JDFT seems to be the HUB of all of these donations.  Big 105, one of the local radio stations brought their convoy of donations to us to be sorted and we were overwhelmed by support.  It's not just support for the community of Slave Lake that's been amazing but also with how the City of Red Deer has embraced JDFT and allowed us to step up and help out.

We were overwhelmed by the support we received from local businesses; businesses stopping by to offer their services, and even delivering some much needed pizza to our hard working volunteers.  I must admit, I've also been underwhelmed by the lack of support shown by some businesses but we're managing just fine without them and their support.  I believe that there's a little thing called Karma that they should look out for.

Most of this probably sounds like the typical relief efforts for any disaster anywhere in the world, so what makes our community different?  In no other community have I seen people drop absolutely everything or  take a week off from work just to help out.  Nor have I seen the kids, 4 & 5 year olds avoiding the playroom so they can help load a U-Haul and crying when they can't find enough stuff to fill a box fast enough.  My husband came home from working an 8 hour day to come back to the gym and work another almost 8 hours because he felt it was his responsibility to help out wherever possible.  He jumped into recycle bins hunting for boxes, he drove with our kids in the van to a storage location to unload the trailers and came back to help load the U-Haul until nearly midnight while our kids slept in their car seats.  I don't think this makes me a bad parent, I'm teaching my children to help others and they woke up this morning with my 4 year old asking if we could go back to the gym and do some more team work.

I completely believe that Jo and her team want us all to "be the change you want to see in the world".  She has given us every opportunity to do so, now it's time for all of us, members or not, local or not to step up and make a difference in the lives of others.  If you can't help out with this cause, then find another way to do something to help someone.  Just do something!  I challenge you!

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
~ Nicholas Sparks

Renewed Focus

It's no secret to anyone that I've been frustrated lately.  I've been frustrated by injury and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.  I've been in a slump and regardless of what my husband would say to me, I've felt overwhelmed.

Honestly, my injury has been a blessing in a few ways, although it's completely frustrating being in pain and not being able to do the things that I've grown to love, it's allowed me time to step back and look at what I've done and time to get caught up on things that needed to be done.

Today I got some words of encouragement from someone other than my husband and other than one of the other great ladies at JDFT or Momstown.  It was a simple message left on my facebook wall, just saying how proud they were of me.  This afternoon that message was followed up by a phone call, one that was really what I needed right now.  Just a few small words, "I don't want you to quit what you're doing, not just with your weight loss but with everything.  I don't want you to quit.  I'm so very proud of you, more than you can ever know." and with those words, I'm re-focused, ready to give even more than I have before.

I was starting to get too comfortable nursing my injury and I could have easily given myself the okay to just sit this weekend's run out, but it's NOT okay.  I took some time to look at everything I've done, all that I can do now that I couldn't before.  Who gives a shit if I haven't lost a ton of weight yet, I can do pushups full on now.  I can run a kilometer without stopping or puking.  I have clothes that are too big now and I don't cringe completely when I look in the mirror.  I wouldn't have come this far if I had talked myself out of taking those first steps into JDFT in December or if I had given up after spending months being sick, so why the hell would I quit now?  This month, I'm not doing it for weight or inch loss, I'm doing it to show myself how much MORE I can do after another month and that starts with sucking it up and doing my first 5km run/walk on Saturday.  I'm mostly going to be walking, but I'll be walking in that red JDFT-WTF t-shirt with my head held high knowing that the thought would never have even crossed my mind 5 months ago to walk a 5km, let alone consider entering one.  How much more can I do after another month?  2 months?  6 months?  I don't know but I'm sure as hell GOING to find out!

A limit on what you will do, puts a limit on what you can do.- Anonymous

Pain is weakness leaving the body... or an injury

I'm beyond frustrated, that's all there is to say.  I've enjoyed the changes that I've seen & felt since starting on this adventure.  I love that I no longer cringe when I think of working out but I look forward to it.  I actually enjoy running, which I've NEVER enjoyed before.

So why am I bitching?

Because it seems like there's always something trying to drag me down.  At first it was the skeptics, the sabatoeurs, and the ones who were simply against my choices.  After that, it was the winter of plague, seriously, I cannot remember any other time in my life where so many people were sick so often, myself and family included.  It seemed like every week there was a new illness rearing its' ugly head in our house and as soon as the last of us got over it, there was something new to plague us with.  Despite all of this, I pushed through (as much as I could even while being sick).  We've been on the mend for almost 3 weeks now, knock on wood and then my injuries started.

Honestly at first I completely ignored them and pushed through the pain because I thought maybe my body was just having a harder time adjusting to my increased activity once I took up running.  I thought that I'd probably just tweaked my knee on my runs because it's been icy (yes, we still have ice & snow here in wonderful Alberta!).  I never really took the time to think back to what might really be causing the issues.  I just did what I could at my workouts and RICEd it when I was home (for those wondering what the hell RICE is, R-est, I-ce, C-ompression, E-levation).  I finally broke down and went to the doctor, turns out it's most likely patellar tendonitis or a mild sprain;  I shouldn't be surprised, I've had it before after being hit by a truck in high school and severely injuring my knee but I didn't put the pieces together.  Now because of my previous injury, I have to exercise extreme caution in my workouts until it's better or I risk injuring it even further, especially if it is in fact a sprain because I could tear one of the ligaments.  So now, I have to rest for a week and if the swelling and pain don't subside, go back... frick!  I guess I'll be doing lots of guns n' guts this week!

Did I mention that I have every intention of running/walking a 5km in Blackfalds next weekend?  I still plan on doing it, hopefully WITHOUT crutches but that's going to depend entirely on my ability to rest, which I might add, is next to impossible with 3 kids running around.  Maybe instead of prescribing physio, the doctor should prescribe a nanny for the week so that I can keep off my feet.  Sounds good to me!

Pain is temporary.  It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.  If I quit however, it lasts forever.  -Lance Armstrong

The Break Up

So I went 3 weeks without looking at my scale... I hid it under the bed under the luggage, out of sight, out of mind... or so I thought.  For the first week or so, every time I went into the bathroom, I had the urge to hop on it but it wasn't there, so I'd walk away.  I kept thinking to myself, I wonder where I'm at; I wonder if there's been any sort of change... blah, blah, blah.  Lots of friends have been posting as of late, how many inches or pounds they've lost and how they're fitting into clothes they haven't in a long time and I just wanted to pull out the scale and see where I was at, but I didn't. 

I have been journalling my food regularly lately (except for the past few days because the website was being glitchy) but am back at it today.  Last week, I put on a pair of dress pants that I bought at Christmas time that I had to squeeze myself into and they were loose.  In fact, I could even pull them up without undoing them.  It was a GREAT sense of accomplishment.  I think I'm "getting" it more and more everyday.  I've had my slip ups but I work through them instead of beating myself up about them and I'm feeling great.  I severed the chains that my scale had attached to my ankle (and brain) and decided not to let the number define who I am.

This morning, I stepped on that scale and was nervous at first to look down; terrified at the potential of seeing no change yet again.  I talked myself into it and opened my eyes.  Well, it had gone down and I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I am no longer a slave to my scale.  I stepped off that son of a bitch with a big grin on my face and kicked it back under the bed.  I'll see it again when I'm good and ready.

Seriously, if you are frustrated and are a slave to your scale (or any other thing for that matter), kick it to the curb for a few weeks.  Quit cold turkey and live your life!  Do what you know you need to do and don't let a stupid friggin number rule your world.  I guarantee you will feel a sense of freedom and you will be able to embrace your new (or in progress) you.  Afterall strong is the new skinny and beauty is not defined by the size of your jeans!



"Hating You Would Require An Emotional Commitment!"

            



Can I Get A Break?

Seems like we've been playing against the world as a family lately.

Someone in our house is sick, always sick.  I'm not sure that we've had a bug free week since before Christmas.

Got screwed over with our taxes because although I asked to have taxes taken off my EI for mat leave, the government didn't take enough so I owe.

Then there's all of the family drama; someone's always dragging us into drama of some kind or another.  We do pretty well at keeping our distance but sometimes you get thrown under the bus and BAM! there you are right smack in the middle of it all.

This list could go on for what seems like forever these days but this isn't a total whine session and most of you are probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with my fitness journey?  Well besides being able to completely ignore my cravings for crap that are completely stress related, I'm getting there!

So, remember how I mentioned in my last blog post that I had won that gift card towards personal training at another gym?  Well, I went to check it out yesterday.  I met with the owner who was very nice and took me on a tour of the facility.  It was tough for me to even walk through those doors, feeling like I was completely stabbing my mentor in the back but I did it.  All I can say is, "WOW!  That is sooooooo not the place for me!"  Don't get me wrong it has a lot of great features, bells and whistles that would attract most people and the staff were very friendly but it just wasn't my scene.  I had a really hard time even entering the contest to begin with and in hindsight wish I hadn't at all.  Finding out that I had $300 to use towards personal training there seemed great because I know that I want and could benefit from it but we just cannot afford it, it's nowhere close to being in our budget right now, especially with my mat leave set to run out soon.  I was more than disappointed to find out that the first $100 of my gift card would have to be used towards their assessments, leaving me with $200 to use towards the personal training, only the shortest contract that you can sign up for is 3 months of $300 each after taxes... so far beyond our budget that I wanted to laugh out loud.  Had I known that I would have to sign up for a contract, I wouldn't have entered the contest, I would have definitely stepped aside so that someone else who has the means could benefit from it.

Needless to say, I was and still am disappointed.  I was looking forward to having personal training and having that extra kick in the ass to push myself even further than I have been pushing myself but it's just not doable.  Seems like lately it's one step forward, two steps back.

Soooooo, anyone want a $300 gift card towards personal training? Lol

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley