Renewed Focus

It's no secret to anyone that I've been frustrated lately.  I've been frustrated by injury and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.  I've been in a slump and regardless of what my husband would say to me, I've felt overwhelmed.

Honestly, my injury has been a blessing in a few ways, although it's completely frustrating being in pain and not being able to do the things that I've grown to love, it's allowed me time to step back and look at what I've done and time to get caught up on things that needed to be done.

Today I got some words of encouragement from someone other than my husband and other than one of the other great ladies at JDFT or Momstown.  It was a simple message left on my facebook wall, just saying how proud they were of me.  This afternoon that message was followed up by a phone call, one that was really what I needed right now.  Just a few small words, "I don't want you to quit what you're doing, not just with your weight loss but with everything.  I don't want you to quit.  I'm so very proud of you, more than you can ever know." and with those words, I'm re-focused, ready to give even more than I have before.

I was starting to get too comfortable nursing my injury and I could have easily given myself the okay to just sit this weekend's run out, but it's NOT okay.  I took some time to look at everything I've done, all that I can do now that I couldn't before.  Who gives a shit if I haven't lost a ton of weight yet, I can do pushups full on now.  I can run a kilometer without stopping or puking.  I have clothes that are too big now and I don't cringe completely when I look in the mirror.  I wouldn't have come this far if I had talked myself out of taking those first steps into JDFT in December or if I had given up after spending months being sick, so why the hell would I quit now?  This month, I'm not doing it for weight or inch loss, I'm doing it to show myself how much MORE I can do after another month and that starts with sucking it up and doing my first 5km run/walk on Saturday.  I'm mostly going to be walking, but I'll be walking in that red JDFT-WTF t-shirt with my head held high knowing that the thought would never have even crossed my mind 5 months ago to walk a 5km, let alone consider entering one.  How much more can I do after another month?  2 months?  6 months?  I don't know but I'm sure as hell GOING to find out!

A limit on what you will do, puts a limit on what you can do.- Anonymous

Pain is weakness leaving the body... or an injury

I'm beyond frustrated, that's all there is to say.  I've enjoyed the changes that I've seen & felt since starting on this adventure.  I love that I no longer cringe when I think of working out but I look forward to it.  I actually enjoy running, which I've NEVER enjoyed before.

So why am I bitching?

Because it seems like there's always something trying to drag me down.  At first it was the skeptics, the sabatoeurs, and the ones who were simply against my choices.  After that, it was the winter of plague, seriously, I cannot remember any other time in my life where so many people were sick so often, myself and family included.  It seemed like every week there was a new illness rearing its' ugly head in our house and as soon as the last of us got over it, there was something new to plague us with.  Despite all of this, I pushed through (as much as I could even while being sick).  We've been on the mend for almost 3 weeks now, knock on wood and then my injuries started.

Honestly at first I completely ignored them and pushed through the pain because I thought maybe my body was just having a harder time adjusting to my increased activity once I took up running.  I thought that I'd probably just tweaked my knee on my runs because it's been icy (yes, we still have ice & snow here in wonderful Alberta!).  I never really took the time to think back to what might really be causing the issues.  I just did what I could at my workouts and RICEd it when I was home (for those wondering what the hell RICE is, R-est, I-ce, C-ompression, E-levation).  I finally broke down and went to the doctor, turns out it's most likely patellar tendonitis or a mild sprain;  I shouldn't be surprised, I've had it before after being hit by a truck in high school and severely injuring my knee but I didn't put the pieces together.  Now because of my previous injury, I have to exercise extreme caution in my workouts until it's better or I risk injuring it even further, especially if it is in fact a sprain because I could tear one of the ligaments.  So now, I have to rest for a week and if the swelling and pain don't subside, go back... frick!  I guess I'll be doing lots of guns n' guts this week!

Did I mention that I have every intention of running/walking a 5km in Blackfalds next weekend?  I still plan on doing it, hopefully WITHOUT crutches but that's going to depend entirely on my ability to rest, which I might add, is next to impossible with 3 kids running around.  Maybe instead of prescribing physio, the doctor should prescribe a nanny for the week so that I can keep off my feet.  Sounds good to me!

Pain is temporary.  It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.  If I quit however, it lasts forever.  -Lance Armstrong

The Break Up

So I went 3 weeks without looking at my scale... I hid it under the bed under the luggage, out of sight, out of mind... or so I thought.  For the first week or so, every time I went into the bathroom, I had the urge to hop on it but it wasn't there, so I'd walk away.  I kept thinking to myself, I wonder where I'm at; I wonder if there's been any sort of change... blah, blah, blah.  Lots of friends have been posting as of late, how many inches or pounds they've lost and how they're fitting into clothes they haven't in a long time and I just wanted to pull out the scale and see where I was at, but I didn't. 

I have been journalling my food regularly lately (except for the past few days because the website was being glitchy) but am back at it today.  Last week, I put on a pair of dress pants that I bought at Christmas time that I had to squeeze myself into and they were loose.  In fact, I could even pull them up without undoing them.  It was a GREAT sense of accomplishment.  I think I'm "getting" it more and more everyday.  I've had my slip ups but I work through them instead of beating myself up about them and I'm feeling great.  I severed the chains that my scale had attached to my ankle (and brain) and decided not to let the number define who I am.

This morning, I stepped on that scale and was nervous at first to look down; terrified at the potential of seeing no change yet again.  I talked myself into it and opened my eyes.  Well, it had gone down and I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I am no longer a slave to my scale.  I stepped off that son of a bitch with a big grin on my face and kicked it back under the bed.  I'll see it again when I'm good and ready.

Seriously, if you are frustrated and are a slave to your scale (or any other thing for that matter), kick it to the curb for a few weeks.  Quit cold turkey and live your life!  Do what you know you need to do and don't let a stupid friggin number rule your world.  I guarantee you will feel a sense of freedom and you will be able to embrace your new (or in progress) you.  Afterall strong is the new skinny and beauty is not defined by the size of your jeans!



"Hating You Would Require An Emotional Commitment!"

            



Can I Get A Break?

Seems like we've been playing against the world as a family lately.

Someone in our house is sick, always sick.  I'm not sure that we've had a bug free week since before Christmas.

Got screwed over with our taxes because although I asked to have taxes taken off my EI for mat leave, the government didn't take enough so I owe.

Then there's all of the family drama; someone's always dragging us into drama of some kind or another.  We do pretty well at keeping our distance but sometimes you get thrown under the bus and BAM! there you are right smack in the middle of it all.

This list could go on for what seems like forever these days but this isn't a total whine session and most of you are probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with my fitness journey?  Well besides being able to completely ignore my cravings for crap that are completely stress related, I'm getting there!

So, remember how I mentioned in my last blog post that I had won that gift card towards personal training at another gym?  Well, I went to check it out yesterday.  I met with the owner who was very nice and took me on a tour of the facility.  It was tough for me to even walk through those doors, feeling like I was completely stabbing my mentor in the back but I did it.  All I can say is, "WOW!  That is sooooooo not the place for me!"  Don't get me wrong it has a lot of great features, bells and whistles that would attract most people and the staff were very friendly but it just wasn't my scene.  I had a really hard time even entering the contest to begin with and in hindsight wish I hadn't at all.  Finding out that I had $300 to use towards personal training there seemed great because I know that I want and could benefit from it but we just cannot afford it, it's nowhere close to being in our budget right now, especially with my mat leave set to run out soon.  I was more than disappointed to find out that the first $100 of my gift card would have to be used towards their assessments, leaving me with $200 to use towards the personal training, only the shortest contract that you can sign up for is 3 months of $300 each after taxes... so far beyond our budget that I wanted to laugh out loud.  Had I known that I would have to sign up for a contract, I wouldn't have entered the contest, I would have definitely stepped aside so that someone else who has the means could benefit from it.

Needless to say, I was and still am disappointed.  I was looking forward to having personal training and having that extra kick in the ass to push myself even further than I have been pushing myself but it's just not doable.  Seems like lately it's one step forward, two steps back.

Soooooo, anyone want a $300 gift card towards personal training? Lol

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

Life Begins At The End Of Your Comfort Zone

Every step of my journey so far comes back to those 9 words, "LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE". 

It started with me admitting that I wasn't entirely proud of how I had put myself on the back burner for so long and let myself slide; so I made a commitment to changing that.

I got the opportunity to go to a gym and tried to come up with excuses and reasons not to go because I was worried about how I'd look/feel walking in there; I sucked it up, reminded myself of my commitment and walked in there.

I could have easily clammed up and not talked to anyone at the gym because we may not have had anything in common, but I didn't; I talk to everyone who I'm training with and have made some great new friends because of it.

I could have stuck with the same few classes at the gym because they weren't too tough and I knew what to expect but I won't get to where I want to go by playing it safe so I tried harder classes that I wasn't even sure I was ready for.  Oh and I survived, so I can assure you that you will too!

I had the opportunity to do a personal training session because I had helped out with childcare and could have put off doing it because I didn't want to have my ass kicked but I sucked it up and sure I felt like puking but I felt great for getting through it.

I had the chance to nominate myself to win a free month of personal training and I almost didn't.  I know almost every other nominee personally and am friends with a majority of them.  I had a really hard time basically saying, "pick me over one of my friends", so I almost didn't enter because I think we were all equally deserving.  On the day before submissions were due, I finally did it, I wrote my self nomination essay; I wrote about exactly why I felt that I deserved to win.  Guess what?  I won second prize!

I now have a meeting tomorrow at this other gym to take a tour and talk about what I want to do and I'm having a hard time with it.  I am in love with everything that JDFT has given me and done for me already and I feel almost like I'm betraying them or cheating on them by even going to this other gym.  I'm afraid to train with someone new, someone who may not "get it" like they do at JDFT, of going to a new gym, of being the new girl again but I also signed myself up for this because it's a great opportunity.  I'm not going to to turn my back on my second home or go MIA for a month because I'm training somewhere else as well, it's just going to be different that's all and different is not always a bad thing.

Frustration should be a 4 letter word

I've had a bad week.  Not really with my eating or fitness even, just with simple frustration. 

On a couple of occasions, I just wanted to sit down and cry or throw my hands up and say, "f$#* it!" but I didn't. 

Why am I so frustrated?  For many reasons, most of them having to do with the stress of my biggest saboteur (my mother) coming to visit.  For those who know me, know that I don't have the best relationship with my mother.  I know that she did the best that she could raising my sister and I on her own but the hurt and lifelong wounds that she caused me are also something that I can't forget, although I have tried to forgive.  It always starts with the little comments when she sees what I make for dinner, the comments like "oh, it's nice to see that you're finally being a little more conscientious about what you're eating."  Seriously?  I told her that we are trying to improve our family's lifestyle etc... and she just started with her excuses, "oh, I wish we could eat whole grains but my husband can't now." and "I'm jealous that you can go out and run, I just can't do it because of my knees and feet".  I just wanted to slap her.  Frustration #1.

My other frustration came when I stepped on that scale for the 8 millionth time in the last month and didn't see it budge at all that week.  I know that I shouldn't be frustrated because I've seen a vast improvement in my overall fitness as well as my muscle tone, but those lingering emotional issues started to pop up in the back of my head as I looked at that stagnant number and that's when those tears wanted to flow.  I promised myself that I would not get discouraged and that I would roll with the punches, I even wrote that down as part of my lifelong goals.

I made two more promises to myself after my rollercoaster week, so that I can push through any future frustrating weeks:

1. To hide my scale and only weigh myself once a month (the only exception to this will be if I have personal training, and even then I will ask not to know what my weight is until my month is up).
2. To journal my food, again.  I've done this in the past but given up after a week or so, this time, I'm doing it indefinitely.  I will not allow myself to "see the end in sight" and give up.  If I still don't see results after my month of hiding my scale, then I will have Jo look over my journal and help me.

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete. - Richard Buckminster Fuller

Save It!

I'm so tired of all of my friends who are all over the place on their fitness/weight loss journeys and their constant whining and sniveling that nothing's working.  Here's what I say to them (and yes, I've had this conversation with them in person too):

If you cut your caloric intake but don't get your ass off your couch, you're not going to see results.  You're just going to be a hungry irritable bitch.

If you've signed up for a gym but only go sporadically or once a week, you're not going to see results unless of course you're doing things when you're not there.  However, if you were doing that you wouldn't have got to where you are now in the first place.

If you workout hard but don't eat anything, you're not going to see results.  You're halfway there but can't get to where you need to unless you eat properly.  So stop being stubborn and just f*#$ing eat already!

If your life is "too busy" to make any long term commitments to your health then I guess I'll see you at your funeral.  To which I might also add, will be much sooner than my own and all of the others who are making conscious efforts to prolong our lives.

If you don't do a damn thing, and I mean anything like exercise or changing your eating habits but complain constantly about your weight, then just shut up already.  You're on the road to nowhere and you're just pissing your friends who are tired of supporting you off.

I'm by no means an expert but I've been almost every one of those friends at one point or another.  I have a long ways to go before I get to where I'm headed but I'm finally doing it.  Stop making your damn excuses and do something.  Oh and if you think I'm avoiding you, I'm not.  I'm deliberately ignoring you because you're pissing me off and I'm done babying or piggy backing you.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.- Ovid