All Great Things Are Preceeded By Chaos

I haven't blogged in forever.  I've just felt uninspired or when I think, "hey that would make a great blog post", I struggle to find more than 3 minutes to try and write it, and it gets pushed to the side.  The other side of it is, if I want to post about something that is a particular hot button issue with me, I really have to step back and take a breather before I even consider posting, because I am liable to fly off the handle and say things that I later regret.

It's no secret that this new year has taken its' toll on me.  We've been dealing with sickness, injuries, family drama and a whole multitude of "stuff" that just keeps building up.  I don't know how many times, I've said to my husband, "I'm done" "I just don't give a shit anymore" "I'm not doing it" "I'm drained".  Everything's put a strain on the relationships in my life, my marriage especially.  We've never been at the point of giving up on us, but it certainly hasn't been all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.

I drag my ass to the gym when I can (be it when it works with our everyday schedule or there's no sickness/injury holding us back) because I have to.  It's become my safe haven when times are tough & I just need that hour of "me" time, even if it is in a class with 13 other women.  When I walk through those doors on my darkest days and see those familiar faces, it feels like I'm getting a big hug (even though I'm not a hugger), I can feel at peace for an hour (or as close to at peace as one can with their kids yelling in the background) and I can leave all of my frustrations on the floor.

When I walked through those doors at JDFT a year ago, I was lost.  I had lost my self confidence, my sense of self and I really had very few people that I could call a friend here; simply put I was a stay at home mom of 3 kids 3& under and I didn't know how to be anything else.  I realized that I needed a change so I mustered up the last bit of strength & courage to walk through that door and let me tell you that I'm so very glad that I did.

For the first few weeks, I tried to just be a number there, blend in, do my thing and leave.  I was supported and encouraged as needed but I wouldn't let anyone know me.  The thing about this amazing community, is everyone sees right through that bullshit.  They pushed me, encouraged me, genuinely showed an interest in who I was and I very slowly started to break down the walls I had built around myself so that I could cope.

There are a few people who have no idea how much they impacted my life in those early days, weeks & months.  Had they not been so supportive and motivating, I probably would have given up yet again, and who knows where I would be.  So to you Jo, Katie, Patty, Krista, Shannon, Amanda, Mandy, Tina, Patrick & De, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.  Because of all of you, I kept going those first few months, using your strength until I found my own.

I have been a loyal supporter of JDFT since the first day that I walked through the doors.  I've watched the struggles and the triumphs.  I've given whatever I could, whenever I could back to them, including almost living there during the Slave Lake Donation drive in May because this gym has become more than a gym to me, it's become a family and quite literally a life saver.  Sure, I've had doubts along the way but I've always hung in there because I truly believe in what this gym stands for.

My heart broke for Jo; who has become like that wiser older sister who really does have your best interest at heart because she's been there; when I knew how much she was struggling.  I spent many hours trying to figure out ways to help, giving my time if it was needed, being there to bounce ideas off of as needed, just being as supportive as possible.

When I learned about the big changes coming to JDFT, I was nervous, just like every other member of our community.  I knew it had to happen because things couldn't continue the way they were going but there's always a certain level of uncertainty that surrounds change.  I listened to other members grumble & groan or full on threaten to leave because they didn't like the changes.  I get defensive when I hear these things going on.  I've heard them from friends, other members and in one particular instance from someone who has never been to JDFT.  It hurts because this community is such an integral part of so many members' lives that it feels like a personal attack on ourselves, no different than if these people were to walk into any one of our homes and make these same types of remarks.  I truly have to applaud the new powerhouse team for having skin thick enough to let this stuff slide, and I don't mean by ignoring it but by acknowledging these nay-sayers but not allowing them to drag JDFT Inc. down.

 My thoughts are this: I may not like or agree with all of the changes, and I don't have to, but I do have a right to be heard (and this new team has opened the floor to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and suggestions) but I have to believe that these changes HAVE to be made in order for this community or better put, family to survive & thrive.  JDFT Inc. is basically the result of a great marriage between what was Jo Dumont Fitness Training and the skills, knowledge & experience of a group of fierce women.  We are all the step children of this blended family and although we may have bumps along the way, if we stick together because we truly believe in what this family stands for, we will go far.

"Moving on is not about looking back.  It's taking a glance at yesterday and seeing how much you've grown since then."

A moment...

Where the hell have I been?  To be honest, slacking (at least on the blog front).  These days I'm lucky to find 10 consecutive minutes on the computer to do anything unless it's paying bills or doing schooling.

Today is Remembrance Day, a holiday to most, but more importantly a day of reflection.

With young children, it's hard to explain the significance of today.  When I told my 4 year old that it's a day to remember the soldiers that have gone to battle for Canada, he asks me if they're the same soldiers as his bucket of soldiers from Toy Story 3.  It's still kinda lost on them so onto plan B.  Today, for the first time since having children, we will be heading to a Remembrance Day ceremony and all though my kids still won't get it entirely they will be there, going through the motions so that this day doesn't just become another day off or worse, a "holiday" as they grow up.

It's not asking much to pause for a moment and reflect at 11:11 this morning.  Are we all really so busy that we can't do that?  I mean, we've spent more time in a single trip to the bathroom.  Look around at everything and everyone that you value most in your life, imagine if it were all gone.  Many of these things/people may not have come to be without the sacrifices that others made on our behalves, so really, a moment or two of your time is NOT a sacrifice on your part.

I honestly had a completely different plan for this morning's blog but will save it for later on in the day.  I urge you to take that moment of silence this morning and if it all possible, take it with your kids and teach them the importance of this day.  It's not just the school's responsibility!  Maybe if more parents spent the time teaching their kids how lucky they TRULY are, and to be grateful, then maybe we wouldn't be raising a society of generally rude, self-entitled kids.

If you need a face to make this real, here's a face: Master Corporal Erin Doyle, died August 11, 2008 in an insurgent attack in Afghanistan.  From my hometown and a close friend of my father's.

Sacred Saturdays

I love Saturday mornings.  Saturdays are my sacred day, they are the day where my kids get up early and I wake up to hearing them play.  It's not a family day completely because my husband is usually working but I'm grateful because it allows me to have time alone with these amazing little people.

Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and I get to spend every morning with them but those mornings are filled with rushing around to get breakfast made, get myself dressed before dayhome kids arrive and rush off to get kids to school and myself to the gym.

Saturday mornings are special, there is no schedule unless we make one, there's no pressure to get out of pyjamas by 7:30 or out the door by 8:15, the only thing planned is to make breakfast.

Today's a particularly awesome Saturday and it's only 7:46 am.  My boys had a sleepover in the basement last night, they got up, turned on their TV and started playing, they let me sleep in until 7 and it was great!  I was woken up my cold little hands & feet snuggling up next to me under the covers and saying "I love you Mommy" followed by cute little cold nosed kisses on the cheeks.  After enjoying their kisses & snuggles, we got up and I was asked to play race cars.  Seriously after buttering me up like that, how could I possibly say no.  We played race cars (which apparently I was doing wrong) & the boys have now snuck downstairs to get dressed, or so I was told.  I hear the LEGO box being emptied, which means that in short order I will be asked my opinions on today's latest creation, to which I will of course reply, "that's so cool."

There are days where I feel like I'm losing my mind or that I've already lost it.  Days where I have ZERO patience & just need a break.  Having 3 kids is busy.  There's no denying it but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  These 3 little people are the reason that I do what I do, they are the reason that I'm working on me.  They are the reasons that I first walked through those gym doors, they are the reasons that I go when I'm not motivated & they are the reasons that I will not give up.

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. ~Angela Schwindt

The Island Of Misfit Toys

I totally suck at keeping up the blogging this summer, it just seems like I have a million things that are more important than sitting on the computer like playing outside in the little bit of sun that we've had with my kids.  Anyways moving on...

Most of us have seen that Christmas movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys, I know that it's been a Christmas tradition in our family since before I was born (yes I'm that young). Yesterday, my oldest son came up to me and said, "mommy, am I weird?  My friend says I'm weird."  After I was able to reassure him about how everyone is different and it's a good thing, I started thinking about how I too often feel "weird" or "out of place" when I'm with my peers.

To me, JDFT starts out for most as the Island of Misfit Toys, a place where everyone who has been hurt, broken and neglected can go and feel 100% safe and accepted.  Many of us have walked through that door hanging by our last threads looking for someone who gets it, someone who's got your back no matter what and as long as you're willing to extend the same courtesy, you'll never be lonely or a misfit again.  They're in the business of helping you to improve your life, inside and out, one broken little piece at a time.  I know that there are a lot of us who've felt like misfits walking through those doors, but after a week or two our confidence increases, and little by little the healing begins.  Soon you're no longer a misfit, just a member of a community that thinks outside of the box and accepts you for exactly who you are.

I understand that an island full of misfits isn't appealing to everyone, but it's worth checking out, after all, everyone is a misfit in some way, shape or form.  It's because this gym is different that makes it so special to each and every one of its' members but it's also because of that difference that the staff and Jo herself has to work their asses off twice as hard in order to keep the gym open, in order to get funding etc...  They all do it without hesitation because they were all misfits too, and they want to ensure that no toy gets left behind.

If you feel like an outcast and need that place to go where you can be accepted, or are considering checking out the gym, just do it!  I promise you that you will not feel left behind or like an outcast.  Once you walk through those doors, you are no longer a misfit, you become a member of a community of former misfits who have found a safe place to be themselves and to accepted for it.

I find that the very things that I get criticized for, which is usually being different and just doing my own thing and just being original, is the very thing that's making me successful. Shania Twain

The Sun Dress

It's no secret, I've never really been a girly girl.  Aside from wearing my kilt for dance competitions, I rarely wore skirts or dresses growing up.  In fact after my high school graduation, the next time that I wore a dress was on my wedding day and then once or twice since.  I did wear a skirt quite a bit towards the end of my last pregnancy because it was just too hot being late June and I just didn't really care what other people thought because I was bitchy & pregnant.

I bought a couple of cute sun dresses a while ago, thinking that maybe my sister might like them or that I might be brave enough to wear one to my brother in law's ordination but it never happened.  I kept telling myself that my body wasn't where I wanted it yet and that I shouldn't put them on and I didn't.  This weekend, I said screw it and pulled them out of the closet and put that first teal dress on.  I loved it on, it looked pretty good and I felt comfortable in it.

Putting something like that on would never have even crossed my mind 6 months ago, I just wouldn't have done it.  In my 7 months at JDFT I've put in a lot of work, I've changed my thinking, I've accepted that nobody's perfect, that we just need to try our hardest.  I've NEVER felt stronger or healthier in my life and I owe that all to the amazing team at the gym.  I know that I've done the work myself but I never would have had the success that I have so far had they not given me (and many others) a comfortable place to make changes happen, to sort through all of the head work and just have a good old fashioned top of the line support system.

I look forward to checking out other hidden gems in my closet that I might have completely discounted a few months ago, and even if they don't fit just right, I'm going to wear them.  I'm going to stop waiting for perfection because it's not going to happen and I'm going to embrace my body every step of the way through this journey.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Unintentional Hiatus

Holy crap what a whirlwind month we've had and I neglected my blog.  Ooops.  Oh well, I'm over it.

It seems like since the Slave Lake donation drive our lives have completely sped up.  We've travelled to BC, I've been watching my friend's 2 kids most weekdays (which means on a typical day I have 5 kids), we've had company upon company and somehow we had to try and maintain a sense of normalcy in our household.

Trying to find the time to go to the gym hasn't always been easy but I've gone, even with 5 kids in tow, because it's important to me.  I made the decision to maintain a healthy lifestyle and just because we've been busy and circumstances have changed, doesn't mean that I'm going to throw in the towel.  I've had successes followed by failures but every time I've moved on and started all over again.

I started food journalling again at the request of my personal trainer and realized that although I have significantly increased my food consumption on a lot of days I still wasn't there.  Let's say on average 200-300 calories shy everyday which for one day isn't soooo bad but add that up over a week and suddenly I'm 1400-2100 calories shy which is almost an entire day.  Yikes!  I stepped it up and ate... I met my calorie goal every day and lost 3 lbs.  That success was almost immediately followed by indulging, 2 birthday parties in 4 days... which although I didn't have cake at the first, I had chips (and quite a few) and then by the time the next party came, I had a piece of cake, some chips and smokies... I saw myself spiralling out of control and that was NOT okay with me.  I felt guilty, I felt like I fucked up (sorry for the language) but I had to forgive myself, otherwise I would have kept spiralling.

I'm back on track, and doing better at least food choice wise and I'm fitting my workouts in.  I feel bad going to the gym sometimes though with 5 kids in tow.  Generally the kids are all good, but my lovely daughter is teething and is the spawn of satan as a result, so I feel horrible taking her there.  I need my workout time for my sanity and because I'm not giving up on my goals but I feel like some days I'm more stressed while I'm working out.  I feel bad because I either have a screaming baby attached to my hip or someone else has MY screaming baby while they're trying to take care of other responsibilities.  Working out in the evenings just isn't an option for us right now, it simply doesn't work with my schedule but I'm at a loss.  I'm grateful that my gym is made up primarily of moms who get it,  but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to put up with it either.  The last thing that I want is to piss off the amazing people that I've met at the gym and who I enjoy working out with but I just don't know what to do.  Maybe I'm over thinking things and feeling like a failure who they're all judging behind my back, maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I'm going to keep making it work somehow, maybe that means some days you'll see me at the gym with 5 kids, on other days you'll see me running down the streets in Sylvan pushing a stroller and racing 3 pre-schoolers or at the park.  I'll still be doing something, I just have to make it work.  Period.

Through all of this craziness, I never considered giving up, I indulged and made some poor choices but I never thought, "well you're done now, you've failed", instead I kept thinking of how to move on and start over.  For those who knew me before or when I first started, this was an internal dialogue that would NEVER have happened before.  I know without a doubt that I've made changes and taken strides in the right direction, now I just have to keep going.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

A Community Like No Other

You've all read about JDFT and how much I love it there.  I may have also mentioned on numerous occasions the community that is JDFT, right?  The people and community of JDFT have stepped up and astounded me again.

On Sunday night, discussions started amongst members and Jo about helping out the community of Slave Lake, which has been devastated by wild fire.  This community has lost their homes, vehicles, jobs, everything and I can only imagine their hope at this point.  Jo created a Facebook event for a donations drive at the gym to help with relief efforts and at 9am Monday morning, donations started to roll in.

The support of members alone was amazing, having the back half of the gym almost full by noon.  Members came into the gym on their lunch breaks to help sort the donations and word was spreading quickly via social media that JDFT was "THE" drop off spot for donations.  Donations are being accepted at MANY locations throughout Central Alberta but JDFT seems to be the HUB of all of these donations.  Big 105, one of the local radio stations brought their convoy of donations to us to be sorted and we were overwhelmed by support.  It's not just support for the community of Slave Lake that's been amazing but also with how the City of Red Deer has embraced JDFT and allowed us to step up and help out.

We were overwhelmed by the support we received from local businesses; businesses stopping by to offer their services, and even delivering some much needed pizza to our hard working volunteers.  I must admit, I've also been underwhelmed by the lack of support shown by some businesses but we're managing just fine without them and their support.  I believe that there's a little thing called Karma that they should look out for.

Most of this probably sounds like the typical relief efforts for any disaster anywhere in the world, so what makes our community different?  In no other community have I seen people drop absolutely everything or  take a week off from work just to help out.  Nor have I seen the kids, 4 & 5 year olds avoiding the playroom so they can help load a U-Haul and crying when they can't find enough stuff to fill a box fast enough.  My husband came home from working an 8 hour day to come back to the gym and work another almost 8 hours because he felt it was his responsibility to help out wherever possible.  He jumped into recycle bins hunting for boxes, he drove with our kids in the van to a storage location to unload the trailers and came back to help load the U-Haul until nearly midnight while our kids slept in their car seats.  I don't think this makes me a bad parent, I'm teaching my children to help others and they woke up this morning with my 4 year old asking if we could go back to the gym and do some more team work.

I completely believe that Jo and her team want us all to "be the change you want to see in the world".  She has given us every opportunity to do so, now it's time for all of us, members or not, local or not to step up and make a difference in the lives of others.  If you can't help out with this cause, then find another way to do something to help someone.  Just do something!  I challenge you!

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
~ Nicholas Sparks